What a relationship can appear to be after a giant breakup or divorce : NPR

Is it ever a good suggestion to remain mates with an ex?

Final month, Life Package requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. When you share youngsters or pets, it’d make sense, say our relationship specialists. However steer clear when you have been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite individual.

Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the big selection of potentialities that may come when a romance ends. Some mentioned their ex was their finest buddy. Some mentioned they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others mentioned they realized … they did not wish to be mates in any respect!

These responses have been edited for size and readability.

‘We nonetheless dwell collectively’

My ex and I aren’t solely good mates, however we nonetheless dwell collectively underneath the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.

Once we received divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is dear in California. We might every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our residence and discover our personal locations to dwell.

We additionally did not wish to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years previous on the time. With this association, we might co-parent extra successfully and see our son every single day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be answerable for our son and his care. Now, virtually 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.

Sure, relationship has been arduous. Who needs up to now a person who nonetheless lives together with his ex? However the execs far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales

‘My ex-wife is my finest buddy’

I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We’ve got two kids, a son and daughter who are actually grown and dwell shut by.

For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be damage, offended and misplaced. However after trying again on hurtful issues I mentioned and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.

Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. At this time, my ex-wife is my finest buddy. We advise one another on many aspects of life, from coping with siblings to residence restore. We have a good time household occasions along with our children and their important others. We are actually very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 12 months previous, the enjoyment of our lives.

It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler 

‘I need little contact with my ex’

My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We have been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who are actually 33 and 28.

For the sake of our youngsters and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to take care of an amicable relationship. However I’m not positive what the form of that relationship will appear to be going ahead.

In the intervening time, I need as little contact with my ex as potential. I would like the psychological house to find who I’m in 2024 as a lately divorced 67 12 months previous. And I wish to permit the emotions and ideas concerning the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper

‘I want he have been a tiny bit depressing’

Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and companion of 21 years divorced me. He mentioned he nonetheless needed me in his life, however as a buddy.

We’re in common contact and meet up a pair instances per week. However I will be trustworthy: it has been tough seeing him simply choose up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with the whole lot. I need him to be pleased, however on the identical time I want he have been a tiny bit depressing.

The truth that we have now a fairly small circle of mates does not assist. After I see him with a mutual buddy, they focus on folks of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip

P.S. Make certain your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.

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‘He believed we’d proceed to be finest mates’

When my 15-year relationship was ending, my companion — who was within the midst of constructing himself my ex — mentioned he firmly believed we’d proceed to be finest mates.

Impulsively, I blurted out, “however I’m not mates with folks of your caliber.”

It’s fascinating to appreciate that the one that you entered the connection with can turn out to be somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, understanding one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz

‘It created one thing stunning’

My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a nasty breakup stuffed with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.

Nonetheless, I needed to turn out to be mates once more. We each are queer and felt a number of stress to turn out to be mates for the sake of our buddy group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for the whole lot that went incorrect. It backfired so unhealthy that we didn’t speak for years after.

It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We have been dwelling in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different girl. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.

We had lengthy talks about how we could possibly be higher mates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. After I was pregnant, my ex was my assist individual. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.

This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the house to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we wish to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly stunning. –LaKecia Farmer

Thanks to everybody who took the time to electronic mail Life Package together with your submission. Join our weekly e-newsletter to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.   

This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We might love to listen to from you. Depart us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or electronic mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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